EVERY COLORADAN DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE.

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Every year, thousands of Coloradans wander north in search of open spaces, affordable housing, empty campsites,

and a life beyond I-25 traffic.

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Sadly, many arrive completely unprepared for life in Wyoming.

 

They may exhibit troubling behaviors like driving 63 in a 70, approaching wildlife for selfies, leaving ranch gates open, asking where the nearest Trader Joe’s is, or uttering the dreaded phrase, “You know what this town really needs…”

 

That’s where you come in.

 

Through the Wyoming Border Patrol Adopt a Coloradan™ Program, qualified Wyoming households can provide a safe, structured environment where a displaced Coloradan can slowly learn the customs of their new home.

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REHABILITATION IS POSSIBLE.

 

Before placement, every Coloradan undergoes our rigorous WBP Rehabilitation & Assimilation Program, including:

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• Subaru Reactivity Training — Learning to remain calm when exposed to an unattended Wilderness Edition.

• Highway Conditioning — Helping them understand that a 70 MPH sign does, in fact, mean 70.

• Wildlife Awareness — Elk are not Instagram props.

• HOA Suppression Therapy — Early intervention before neighborhood bylaws can develop.

• Campsite Socialization — Teaching appropriate distances between themselves and complete strangers.

• Patagonia Desensitization — Starting with controlled exposure under professional supervision.

• Basic Wyoming Vocabulary — “Work,” “wind,” “private property,” and “no.”

 

Progress can be slow. Relapses happen. Some Coloradans may spontaneously purchase a rooftop tent or attempt to establish a neighborhood design committee.

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Please be patient.

 

COULD YOU PROVIDE A FOREVER HOME?

 

Adopting a Coloradan is a serious commitment.

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Prospective Wyoming families should have adequate acreage, a securely fenced yard, at least two Wyoming references, and the emotional strength to hear someone explain why Denver had “a really incredible food scene” without reacting.

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First-time adopters are strongly encouraged to start with one Coloradan.

 

Under no circumstances should three or more recently relocated Coloradans be allowed to congregate unsupervised.

 

That’s how food halls start.

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NOT READY TO ADOPT?  YOU CAN STILL HELP.

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Not everyone has the time, property, or patience necessary to rehabilitate a Coloradan.

 

Fortunately, there’s another way to support the mission:

 

BUY THE MERCH.  SUPPORT THE MISSION.

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Every Wyoming Border Patrol shirt, hoodie, sticker, tumbler, and piece of gear helps us continue the completely fictional and wildly underfunded work of protecting Wyoming while finding suitable forever homes for Coloradans in need.*

 

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***The Wyoming Border Patrol Adopt a Coloradan Program is satire. No actual Coloradans are housed, microchipped, leash-trained, sprayed with water bottles, spayed, neutered, or placed with Wyoming families. At least not by us.***